Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Nietzsche was right!

I'm sure you are familiar with the facebook. If you are not, here is a simple analogy in SAT format:

Myspace : Become Raging Pedophile :: Facebook : Stalk People at Your School

For a substantial amount of time, my friend Peter posed as Jesus Christ on the facebook. While there are a million Jesus's on facebook (I counted), Pete's was different, heralding hundreds of friend requests and leaving his comments section as an open forum to ask Him any questions one might have about anything. Because, everyone wants to know what Jesus thinks.

However, out of all the Jesus's on the site, facebook must have decided that Pete's was too blasphemous or something, so they shut him down, forcing him to use his real name. However, in the name of preservation, I would like to copy the questions and answers that were insightful or I was particularly tickled by.

So, here are various questions to Jesus, answered by Pete Shadzik:

Q. Would you rather run at a full sprint into a brick wall, or drop two stories from a building and land on your knees?

A. I'd rather run at My top speed into a brick wall. Despite the fact that I am perfect, I am not much of a runner, due mainly to two gaping holes in My feet. - Son of Man

Q. Jesus-- can I call you Jesus?-- I've always wondered, and I hope this isn't too personal: what was the deal with you and Mary Magdalene? Just friends or something more?

A. I think Mary M. always kind of wanted a little bit of a more intense relationship, but I wasn't really into it. I mean, she was thinking long term, but I couldn't really be like "Hey, I'm going to die pretty soon and then I'll be God, so we can't do this." But even after I died she was pretty attached. I appeared before her when she went to My tomb, and she was getting really grabby, so I was all "Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father" (John 20:17). She pretty much bought that - she totally could have touched Me, I just wasn't in the mood. - The Christ

Q. Jesus, do you think that your father would condone the smoking of The Herb? It comes from the sacred earth, which you created. Many hippies everywhere are wondering this question.

A. By "The Herb" I assume you mean marijuana, though calling it "the" herb is degrading to the rest of the wonderful plant creations My Father has bestowed upon you. However, I basically condone everything that isn't either explicitly or inherently prohibited by the Bible. Thus, yes, marijuana is acceptable. As is cocaine, black tar heroin, and MDMA. The Lord does not condone LSD, mainly due to a previous bad trip. The Sixties were fucking crazy. -JofN

Q. Hey Jesus. How do I get rid of this awful dandruff?!

A. This isn't from personal experience, as I have been blessed with a Perfect Scalp, but I've heard that Head and Shoulders' new "Dry Scalp" formula is very efficient. And indeed, if that doesn't work, ask your barber or stylist. I recall a young Moses trekking across the desert to ask Me the same question, but it turned out his hairdresser knew the answer all the same! Moses was all about those treks. -JtotheofNazareth

Q. Jesus, why does working at Target suck so bad and why are my managers such dicks?

A. Working at Target is the sign of a low-class individual, or a student. You are a student, and thus it is acceptable. Your managers "suck so bad" (sic) due to a combination of frustrating childhoods and frustration with their status in society. -Jesus

Q. Jesus, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

A. Technically, I don't need to do anything, since I can conjure Klondike bars at will. There. I just did it. Now I kind of want chocolate milk. And...done. --J

Q. Hey Mr. of Nazareth, I slept with someone who wasn't my girlfriend, but I swear I was thinking of her the whole time. Does that still count as cheating?

A. First, Andre, you're going to Hell for the premarital sex thing in general. But is it cheating? What's more important is that you be better in bed than anyone else that your girlfriend knows so SHE won't cheat, and practicing on other girls is the best way to be sure. But hey, at least you're not My stepdad, Joseph. His wife was getting it from God, and you KNOW he can't compete with that. --Jesus "Dirty with only one R" Christ

Q. Hey Jeez, Just saw that the White House has put up their new Christmas tree. Any word on what the Bushes are getting each other this year?

A. Well Jon, as you know, My Birthday is a holy celebration, and the Bush's are a holy family. George is getting Scarface. --J. Christ

Q. Hey, how did you feel about the casting of James Caviezel in The Passion of the Christ?

A. Well Steve, you've actually struck a nerve with Me here. You see, Mel Gibson didn't just choose to have James Caviezel play Me - Mel and I had a conference where there was much deliberation. In the end it was between Jim and Macaulay Culkin, though the latter was kind of a joke between Mel and I gone awry. -Jesus of Nazareth

Q. Jesus, fountain of all knowledge, will you confirm once and for all that Cambridge is truly better than Oxford?

A. Patrick, God does not care about the United Kingdom anymore, sorry. --JC

Q. Tupac or Biggie?

A. If you're asking who was the better rapper, Tupac was more poetic, while Biggie had a superior flow. If you're asking who died first, Tupac. --Jesus Chrizzle

Q. Jesus, I need a man and so does my friend Rhonda (maybe even more than I do) what should we do? Oh, one more thing - can Justin Akien win the Power Ball?

A. Well, first off, I guess this depends on what kind of man you want. If you want a tough, rugged man, you should go to a downtrodden bar or truck stop. If you want an ambitious, independent man, you should attend some sort of gala. If you want a man who is tough, rugged, ambitious and independent...sorry baby, but I'm in Heaven. Also, not only will Justin not win the Powerball, but he will continue to lose lotteries for the rest of his life. If it makes him feel better, it's not as bad as...I don't know...getting crucified. --JTruth

Q. JSizz, what is your preferred way of smiting someone? And when you use the past tense, do you say "I smited you" or "I smote you"?

A. First of all, I usually use "smote." However, I've also used "owned" and "punk'd." Which method I prefer really depends on My mood, as well as cultural conditions. For example, on Super Bowl Sunday, I enjoyed throwing a football through the torso of a sinner. During the height of the Clinton presidency, I threw President Clinton through the torso of a sinner. So it varies. --J

Q. Dear Lord and Savior-- A popular website sent to me by a friend lists a "fact" about 'Walker, Texas Ranger' star Chuck Norris that states "Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but when Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. That's why we celebrate Christmas." Your thoughts?

A. Dear All, Facebook has changed my name from Jesus Christ to my actual name, and thus Jesus Christ as I am known can no longer exist on the Facebook. Why my parody profile was singled out among the many I shall never know, but what I do know is that The Christ is dead. Also, it might be the responsibility of Olayemi Oladapo, who has posted on my wall. She is the only person who would have reported me, due mainly to her being entirely humorless. --Jesus no more.
PS - I'd love to answer your inquiry, Andrew, but I am no longer God.

And so it ends. It was a good run. And may this post serve as a testament to what was once great.


Post a Comment

<< Home