Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Now usually I don't do this, but go ahead and break 'em on off with a preview of the remix

"Now look, man. Enough is enough, man, on the real. I mean, can’t y’all see that I love y’all? No matter what chy’all say to me or try to do to me, I’ma love you anyway. Know what I’m sayin’? What you need to do is let me go on and do this music. Ya’ll know what I’m sayin’? I mean, what I gotta do? What I gotta do? Give ya’ll all my money? All my cars, my houses, my clothes, what? I don’t owe you nothin’, man. Go get a god damned job, dog. Shit, leave me alone, get a job. You don’t owe me nothin’, I don’t owe you nothin’, know what I’m sayin’? I’m just tryin’ to give ya’ll this music, make y’all feel good, you know what I’m sayin’? That’s all I’m tryin’ to do. Let me do that. Huh, let the R do that. Will ya? (singing) Mmmm. Sex in the kitchen, ova by the stove... (song continues)."

-R. Kelly, "In The Kitchen (Remix)" introduction

R. Kelly is a god among men. His introduction to "In The Kitchen (Remix)" does what R. Kelly does best – celebrates R. Kelly. How does a man get away with a teenage sexual scandal and compose himself in such a steady manner? Granted, R seems a bit shaken as he speaks in the first minute before the song starts, but he decided to man-up, step up to the podium and thrust a fist out for a pound with his left hand and put up his middle finger with his right. The best part is, he’s in the middle of a sex scandal and has just finished berating his haters, and when the song starts, it’s "Sex in the kitchen, ova by the stove"! The whole song is about making food and having sex. This is the man that dominates our pop charts. God bless him.

"In The Kitchen (Remix)" is a great example of another thing that R. Kelly is fabulous at – taking a topic that R likes a lot [e.g. food] and relating it to sex. All of Kelly’s best songs follow this theme: "Ignition" (cars and sex), "Sex Weed" (marijuana and sex), "Remote Control" (television remotes and sex), etc. In "(Sex) Love Is What We Makin’", R demands "sex in the morning, sex in the evening, sex in the noonday, even when you sleepin’". Focus on that last line for a second. R. Kelly wants to have sex with you, even when you’re sleeping. Nay, he demands it. I’m sure that constitutes rape, but that’s the beauty of R. Kelly – laws simply don’t apply. And the women love it. Girls want R. Kelly to have sex with them while they sleep.

R. Kelly loves himself. He is so beyond cocky, that it creates a new branch of obnoxiousness. But you can’t help but admire a man who is so self absorbed that he releases a remix of every song he writes. His cockiness is awesome. It’s admirable that anyone can be so cocky with a straight face. In "Put My T-Shirt On", R stresses the beauty of post-coital clothing options when he woos, "T-shirt looks so damn tight, my triple-X on your body, girl you make it look so right". Obviously, you have to be cocky as shit to not only feature the same drip-drop sound effect in all of your songs, but to release the same song as a series in a story, as documented by the cockiest group of songs ever made by an R&B star in the "Trapped In The Closet" series.

Finally, R does not care about what other people think would not make a good song. He makes the songs he wants and he says the words he wants. And they are absurd. And he gets away with it. And yes, it is fucking awesome. When R pronounces Escalade, he says it like "es-kuh-lah-d", just to fuck with you. When R makes a song called "Feelin’ On Yo Booty", you’d better believe that it will be about just that: "Feelin’ on your bugga-boo-hoo-tee". When R wants to make a cars-as-sex metaphor, don’t you dare for a second think that it will be complicated analogy. You see, when he says he’s going to stick his "key in the ignition" he’s taking about putting his penis in a vagina. Don’t get confused there.

If you criticize him, he’ll throw his voice out at you "so what, I’m drunk, it’s the freakin’ weekend, so let’s have some fun". If R. Kelly doesn’t have sex to his own music I would be really surprised. So haters, R. Kelly is above human. He doesn’t care about any mortal woes. He wants to tap that ass and do this music thing. So just get a fucking job, you bum.

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