Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Videogame Arsenal

So, you're trying to gather the greatest weapons from all videogames throughout the course of videogaming; what do you choose? The following is an homage to the greatest weapons available via electronic gaming.

The BFG from Doom

Let's start this list off with a bang. The BFG, also known as the Big Fucking Gun, was the crown prize of those who got far enough in the Doom series. Ammunition for this beast was scarce, but it packed one hell of a wallop. No beast from the darkest bowels of hell could withstand a single green plasma blast from this beautiful machine. Although, you have to wonder how anyone would ever carry such a big fucking gun around. Also, it was essentially a big fucking square that looked like a big fucking folded up lawnchair.

The Blue Shell from Mario Kart 64

So, you're in versus mode and in last place. That son of a bitch is waaaay ahead in first place (let's assume his name is, I don't know, Jeffrey Victor Glowik). How do you exact your revenge on an enemy so far away? You're left in a state of total dispair. But wait, you've passed through the "?-Box" and your weapons square displays a cute little blue shell with little spikes protruding from it. Awww, isn't it precious? Wrong. This shell will fuck your day up, Mr. First Place. It is literally unstoppable, soaring from the very end of the race course all the way up your smarmy first place ass. Sure, the person that fired it may not win the race, but at least he ensured that the person that was once in first doesn't either.

Cow Launching from Earthworm Jim

Not much needs to be said about this one.

The Cerebral Bore in Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion

You could always shoot someone. There's pistols, arrows, rocket launchers, flaming arrows, canons, crossbow arrows, railguns, a bunch of arrows shot from one bow at the same time, and so on. But, how do you show someone that you truely mean to kill the shit out of them. The cerebral bore answers such a question, when it fires a homing projectile that latches onto an enemy's head and then drills into their brain. Now, surely no one can survive this attack, as we see their cranial fluids spill all over the place, but -- just to be sure -- the cerebral bore bullet explodes after it drills inside the enemy's head. Sweet.

The Golden Gun from Goldeneye 64

One shot kill. I bet whoever shot 50 Cent wishes they had this one.

Hyper Megabuster from Mega Man 6

The greatest leap forward in Mega Man's mega-arm technology occurred in Megaman 6, with Dr. Light's modifications. The earlier Neo Megabuster and the Super Megabuster were admirable enhacements, but each of them had drawbacks (placed Mega Man's health at risk and had a noticable kickback). The Hyper Megabuster could unleash a furious blast of plasma energy that would leave enemies devastated and Mega Man smiling at the crispy contortions of their corpse. This would also come in handy later when Mega Man apppeared in Marvel vs. Capcom. He may be small, but he could kick ass. The only time I ever beat that game was when I teamed up Mega Man and Stryder. It happened in an arcade in Ocean City, New Jersey. I entered my initials as BIL. Is it still there? Does anyone even play Marvel vs. Capcom anymore?

I'm sure there are more weapons to mention, but whatever. These ones are swell.


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