Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Lingo For The FAD

Many of you may find yourselves in the category of being the Aggressive Asshole Driver -- or AAD. Many people, myself included, feel that moving at a comfortable speed is more important than obeying the lawful, posted speed limit. Usually you go over the speed limit because you are extremely impatient and want to be going at a faster velocity. You also have a problem with taking turns to fast.

However, there's a difference between an AAD and a FAD -- the Focused Aggressive Driver. To the FAD, there is a real mission being accomplished in "making great time". On highways, they are tactful yet meticulous. On town roads they are sly and resourceful. The following is a list of terms taken from the FAD textbook.

Line - A line is a path on a highway that allows you to overtake as many cars as possible in one swift motion. See image below...

Making Good Time - The goal of all FADs. If anyone asks why you "can't just enjoy the trip", a FAD will typically reply "I am", followed by a seductive smirk.

Polar Lanes - Polar lanes occur when too many AADs are on the road. The AADs begin to crowd the passing lanes, making them too congested to be effective. Therefore, the right lane actually moves faster than the left lane. Usually the AADs stay in the left lane because they think they're all hotshots who should be going faster than everyone else. The FAD will switch to the right lane with no problem.

Blinker Sharks - Typically AADs; these are the people that turn on their blinker and turn at the same time defeating the purpose of the blinker as a warning.

Yellow Alert Mode - While on the road alone you are more likely to be spotted speeding and recieve a ticket. Before all overpasses or other places where a police car may be hiding, reduce speed greatly. Keep in mind, nowadays many police cars will be on top of the overpass recording speed and then radio down to another car.

Orange Alert Mode - When flashing lights of any kind are visible far down the road behind you.

Red Alert Mode - When flashing police car lights are visible behind you, relatively close.

Twins - Perhaps one of the most aggrivating parts of highway driving. This is when two or more cars are driving directly next to each other at exactly the same speed, thus making the pass impossible. I swear I once saw a group of four across a four lane highway in the middle of Pennsylvania. Twins are aggrivating because it's as if they have no concept in their mind as to what the passing lane is actually for. See image below...

Staggered Twins
- This is pretty much the same thing as twins, except they are not directly next to each other, however it is still two cars driving the same speed in different lanes. If you're going to drive the same speed, just get into the other lane. They lack respect (see "respect" below).

Good Samaritan - These are the people that drive the exact speed limit in the passing lane just to fight against the global wave of speeding. Extremely smug and no different in personality than the AADs. Commonly referred to as PADs -- Passive Aggressive Drivers.

Respect - Respect is when you are seen quickly approaching behind another driver and they pull to the right-hand lane. They have respected your speed and want you to continue on such a trajectory. Oftentimes, as a FAD, you too will have to give other drivers respect and pull to the right. When a driver has been respected, as he passes them he/she is to wave, salute, or snap the pointer finger into the thumb and middle finger.

Wingman - A wingman is another FAD (rarely an AAD) that has found a navigatable line in front of you. A wingman doesn't count if you know the person; a wingman must simply appear during your travels. Generally it's a good idea to follow them in the interest of making good time. When your wingman departs it's appropriate to offer him a respectful salute or snap. Once I travelled with a wingman for about 80 miles, to offer my respect as he took an exit near Harrisburg, I opened the window and extended a two fingered peace sign.


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