Why Global Warming Is Awesome
Global warming fucking rocks. As I sit in the brisk fall air, I realize that it's not brisk at all, it's fucking nice out! The world needs to stop complaining about global warming, because it's only benefitting us. "Us" being, everyone that lives in a nice temperate climate zone, like Pennsylvania. It's November and it's like 65 degrees out! Show me the downside!
"But Bill, I'm not sure you've got it right... It's going to melt the ice caps, wah wah wah, makes the world colder in the end... cry cry cry... poisons the air... bloo bloo blah."
Listen, crybaby, you can whine all you want about the inevitable, or we can really embrace this awesome thing we call global warming. Notice it's not called global destroyening. It's just global warming. Why try to fight what could be the coolest thing to happen to the earth in about thousands of years?
"But Bill, all of our culture and beautiful cities and lovely writings and educations will be lost forever if they're all submerged in water! Wah wah wah wah wah! We'll all be miserable."
First of all, you're already miserable, so submerging the earth in a couple hundred trillion gallons of water isn't going to change that. Just accept that we'll all be living on catamarans, drinking our purified piss out of a Brita filter and hanging out on giant floating towns, selling dry dirt to the highest bidder. It will be something like this:
If you're still not convinced, I hope you drown in your own whiny-baby tears before the Katrina times 100-like squalls do the same. Meanwhile, I'll be busy constructing a glorious vessel and stocking up on non-perishable food items. I guess I'll see you true believers in the decades following the apocalypse of the land dwellers. Have your dramamine ready.
I just realized that this global warming thing isn't happening as fast as I'd like. Still, I can't wait to bring as many children into this world to experience the adventures that I would only be able to dream about. You're so lucky future-children.