Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

They Can Only Become Stairs

Dear man in front of me on the escalator,

Nice day today isn't it? Yeah, I heard it 's supposed to rain later though. Ever notice that it's been raining at 6 PM every day for the last month? Weird.

Well, let's just step onto the escalator. Going down, ding ding! Ha ha ha.

And so... wait, what's going on here. Um. Uh, sir... wait. Why are you no longer walking? Well yes, I did realize that we stepped onto an escalator. Yes, that's true sir... yes they do move on their own.

Okay, maybe I could just squeeze arou- no... alright. Sooo... what didja get? A lobster bib? Wow, sounds nice.

So... uh, are you gonna just scoot on down these steps? Well yeah, but they do move rather slow. I mean, ha ha, if they were just stairs you would be walking down them anyway. Yes, that's true, sir: they aren't stairs. No you're right.

To an extent. I mean they are stairs, if you want to get technical. Just moving stairs, you know?

[I'm putting my hands in my pockets with my thumbs sticking out, rocking back and forth at the waist and whistling]

Yep. Rain to-night.

Okay, honestly, you have to walk around the rest of the mall. It's not like there's a conveyer belt everywhere. I don't think the inventors of the escalator intended for people to stand still as the steps moved. Well that's true, sir -- I don't know who invented the escalator. What's that? Yes, they probably were French. Oh. Well, I wouldn't say that's true of all French citizens.

Welp... looks like we're approaching the bottom. Aaaand... yeah, there goes your foot. That's kinda the motion I was hoping you'd make the whole way down, actually. The eagle has landed. Alright, great. Great talking to ya.

-Bill Benz


At 5:06 PM GMT-5, Blogger Jon said...

Typical Bill Benz conservative thinking to blame the French on something he doesn't like.
Well the truth is that it was the AMERICANS who invented the escalator in 1899. That's right! Charles Wheeler invented the escalator while working for the Otis Elevator Company.
Suck on that.


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