Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

New Cereals and the Surprise Poop

I know Mike is supposed to blog about cereal (well, really just one), but he's in Japan, so fuck him, I'll do it anyway. Plus I love me some cereal.

The two new ones in question here are


I tasted both of these cereals on the same day back in July. I'm writing about them now because I'm really craving one of them right now, but can't find it anywhere in the hood. And I don't have the funds to go to the burbs to buy some cereal (although I surely would).

Eggo cereal sucks. It's like a giant shitty ripoff of the mighty Waffle Crisp. Honestly, did they think they could make a better waffle-themed cereal than Waffle Crisp? The first worst part about Eggo Cereal is that it tastes like nothing. It has no taste that separates it from water. But the worst part is that it gets sooo soggy, sooo fast. Get this: it gets both soggier faster than Golden Grahams! I mean, with the right amount of milk you can still have an amazing bowl of Golden Grahams, but Eggo Cereal affords you no such option. You put milk on the Eggo clusters and suddenly it's absorbed and there are just a bunch of crammed and bloated cereal bits left. You can probably wring them out.

But, there's hope. Caramel Nut Clusters is the best new cereal to come along since Honey Bunches of Oats. It's just the right caramel to nut ratio. And don't get me started on the crunch... oh, that crunch! Don't get me wrong, it's definetly an aquired taste. It's kinda like the first time I listened to the album "Sung Tongs" by Animal Collective; I was interested, but also sorta baffled. I found myself returning again and again to the album and enjoying it more and more with each listen. Caramel Nut Clusters is like that. Intruiging at first, leading to one of the biggest payoffs in the modern cereal business.

Moving on to totally unrelated business...

Today I encountered the infamous "surprise poop". I was sitting at this very computer in the Temple University TECH Center, when suddenly a wild rumble filled my bowels! "What ho!" I exclaimed. It was the BMW of shit rumblings: zero to sixty in 5 seconds. I had no choice but to run to the nearest lavatory to delete this poopy from my booty.

It was a regular poop too, it just came on so fast! Also, readers should keep in mind that I am a bidaily shitter. There are a handful of people that do this, you know who you are, I'm just going public. I do not poop every day. In fact, almost on schedule, I poop every other day. And this is usually why my poops are so big and prone to toilet clog. There's simply something wrong in the wiring of my brain that doesn't tell me I have to shit until my intestines have reached max capacity. I eat a lot, probably more than the average person, so it can't be lack of nourishment. I'm just a bidaily-big-shitter and I'm out of the watercloset for the world to accept.


At 10:45 AM GMT-5, Blogger MichaelMatters said...

im liking your blog, cereal and poop. very controversial topics. And absolutely agree with you, Eggo cereal is fucking horrible. I actually sued Eggo because my tastebuds exausted themselves trying to sense a flavor. Now I can't taste shit. Might as well keep eating that awful cereal. you make me proud.


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