Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A scene from "Dracula With AIDS"

Inspired by talking with fellow film media majors Chris and Sean...

Dracula With AIDS
a script for the stage

Curtain rises. The scene is a decrepid, cobweb-soaked house, lush with deep blues and grays. A lone figure -- DRACULA -- sits on a vintage paisley sofa. It is night, a spooky flash of lightning blinks in the distance through a window. The front door (stage left) opens as thunder tumbles in the distance. THE WOLFMAN comes in, taking off his coat and hat. Bats fly down and retrieve them, pulling them away [note: get special effects working on that].

WOLFMAN: Hey, what are you still doing awake?

DRACULA: (noticeably distant) ...Oh, hello.

WOLFMAN: Hey, Dracula. Guess what happened today?


WOLFMAN: I killed someone. Finally! I did it! I can't remember the last time I devoured the flesh from a man's limbs! God damn, it was so... so... GRATIFYING!

DRACULA: ...That's good.

WOLFMAN: (sitting down across from Dracula) What's wrong, Dracula?

DRACULA: Nothing. Nothing, I'm happy for you. (Feigns a weak smile)

WOLFMAN: Are you sure, you seem so... distant.

DRACULA: No. Nothing's wrong.

WOLFMAN: (leaning forward) You know it's so obvious when you're upset. Why don't you just tell me?

DRACULA: (recoiling) I'm fine. There's nothing wr-

WOLFMAN: Dammit, Dracula! I'm SO SICK of this!

DRACULA: (visibly hurt) I'm sor-

WOLFMAN: Every day I come back from a haunting you are miserable! I'm so sick of you being such a downer all the time. I mean when was the last time you and I went on a haunt... you know, together?

DRACULA: (still quiet) Well, I'm sick too.

WOLFMAN: (getting up) Whatever! I'm going up to my room, you can be a bitch down here.

DRACULA: (abruptly) I have AIDS, Wolfman.

Wolfman halts dead in his tracks, facing away from Dracula.

DRACULA: (to himself, quietly) I have AIDS.

WOLFMAN: (spinning around) I... I... oh my god.

DRACULA: I didn't want to tell you... to upset you.

WOLFMAN: (in disbelief) Wha-? Jesus, how?

DRACULA: Listen, it's okay. I'm going to handle this best I can. I... should have realized this would happen, you know? I mean, I took as many precautions as I could, but... fuck, I mean, I have to eat blood, right?

Wolfman is stunned. He sits back down, about to speak. Suddenly the rear wall collapses in a dramatic flash of dust and debris. Of course it's THE OOZE GOBLIN, the biggest troublemaker in the world of haunts and ghouls.

OOZE GOBLIN: (sliming on everything) Haha, what's up dicks?

WOLFMAN: Now is not the time, Ooze Goblin.

OOZE GOBLIN: (slimily slapping Wolfman on the back) Aw, cheer up you big pussy! I heard you killed someone today... fuckin' right on! That's what I'm talking about. (turns to Dracula) Hey, what are you doing awake? You know it's almost dawn. The zombies are starting to wake up.

DRACULA: (getting up, heading towards the door) I know. (a lone tear falls from his eyes)

OOZE GOBLIN: What the fuck, man. What the hell is going on?

WOLFMAN: Dracula, what are you doing?

DRACULA: The only thing left for me to do.

The pale orange and yellow hues of the rising sun begin to filter through the windows and open door. Smoke rises like steam from Dracula's cape as he slowly saunters out the door, offstage.


There is a large bang and a huge puff of smoke billows in through the door. Wolfman and Ooze Goblin are stunned, frozen in horror. Drop curtain.


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