Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Monday, September 11, 2006

An Open Letter: Part Three

Dear Alexander Hanson, Ikea Sales Dept.,

I'm writing in regards to one of your products that we have been experiencing problems with. It's in your coffee table series, specifically the 'EDEN model 3115 SOIL-BROWN LIVING ROOM Frn. 1212'. It's a small brown coffee table. The problem we encounter is not neccesarily how it breaks, but what your sales rep told us would be good for our "situation". I'm sure your complaints department knows my name by now and the name of one Stephen Urkle who is often over my house and, sadly, often breaking my coffee table that I so trustingly bought from your establishment. The specifics of the various breaks are not important; usually slipping and falling out of surprise. Granted, this is outside of your jurisdiction, as it is our own fault that we let this menace into our home. However, your sales represenative did tell us that the replacement would be able to withstand someone falling on it, but I'll be damned he did it again. And yes, he "did do that". So if you could possibly replace the coffee table in question, I would be delighted.

Thanks for your time,
Carl Winslow


Dear Alexander Hanson, Ikea Sales Dept.,

Hi, Alex, I wrote you a letter a couple of weeks ago in regard to the 'EDEN model 3115 SOIL-BROWN LIVING ROOM Frn. 1212' coffee table. Your letter was very nice and I'm pleased that you replaced the coffee table, but the problem is that you sent me an identical coffee table! Now I'm just a police officer in inner-city Chicago, I can't afford to keep buying the same coffee table again and again. Even as I check the packaging now I can clearly read 'EDEN model 3115 SOIL-BROWN LIVING ROOM Frn. 1212'! We've had the same coffee table in our house destroyed over and over again, and I'm honestly fed up. I need a change. Of course Stephen broke the new one you sent us, almost immediately. I've taken steps to obtain a restraining order, because I believe he has a bizarre sexual lust for my daughter and is stalking her. I really don't want him around her, but that's a seperate matter -- a family matter. Please, if you can, send us another, more durable coffee table.

Thanks again,
Carl Winslow

P.S. I believe in your return letter you meant to say all those good things about "Stephan Urkle", because the "Stephen" I know is a real bitch.


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