Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

You Know David Elsewhere?!

Everyone likes to bring up their celebrity connections whenever they can. It's gratifying to be linked in some way to a figure in the world that is so ... celebrated. For instance, I once hung out with some kids who were cousins with Milla Jovovich. I went to school where Chris Matthews went. I live with Joe Stak. It's these relationships that always come up when someone talks about a celebrity encounter.

What I think is cooler though, is being friends with a really minor celebrity; not that I am or anything. I bet this very thing happened to Eli Whitney, famous for inventing the cotton gin. I imagine the following conversation probably happened...

Tobias: "Oh dear, I wish 'twasn't so hard to separate the cotton seeds from the cotton fluffs."

Humphrey: "So I hear."

Jules: "Well, my good sirs, I happen to know a man with the solution to this predicament."

Tobias: "Who praytell do you speak of?"

Jules: "Perhaps you've heard the name of the great inventor, Eli Whitney. He is a dear friend of mine."

Humphrey: "Eli Whats-it-whos-ah?"

Jules: "That's right, Eli Whitney! My beloved compatriot!"

Tobias: "What is this man's business in the cotton industry?"

Jules: "He invented the cotton gin, of course! My friend... he invented the cotton-fucking-gin."

Tobias: "And what does an elixer of cotton have to do with this?"

Humphrey: "The cotton whats-it-a-gin-a-ma-call-it?"

Jules: "It effortlessly removes the seed from the cotton plant. A machine... that my dear friend invented."

Tobias: "You don't say and..."

Jules: "Yes. It was invented by my friend, whom I know on a personal level."

Tobias: "This will surely be harmful to my slave trade."

That conversation really happened. Now, let's take a look at the modern equivalent of Eli Whitney: David Elsewhere (YouTube him, you'll know who I'm talking about). The following conversation has most likely happened somewhere in America.

Jay: "Man, I'm trying to take break dancing lessons. That shit is hard man!"

Allison: "Haha. Like pop and lock and all that?"

Danny: "Heh, funny story. I actually know David Elsewhere."

Jay: "Who?"

Danny: "David Elsewhere, man. He's a friend of mine. ... Probably the best pop and locker in the world."

Allison: "Never heard of him."

Danny: "You know. The kid that does that robot dance in the orange sweater in videos all over the internet."

Jay & Allison: "Ohhhhhh."

Danny: "Yeah, I know him."

Jay: "You know David Elsewhere?"

Allison: "Haha, that's crazy. Weird."

Danny: "Yeah, we're friends."

Jay: "Cool. So, anyway, my dance instructor is like this real hardcore dude."

Allison: "Like really into it?"

Jay: "I feel like he was a drill instructor or something, y'know?"

Danny: "Yeah. You should take lessons from my friend David Elsewhere."

Jay: "Ha ha. I guess I should."

Allison: (hitting Jay on the shoulder) "Yeah I'm sure he'd be just as good."

Danny: "Ha. I doubt it. No one is as good as that guy. I keep telling him and he's all like, 'Aw, c'mon. No.' He's so modest."

Allison: "...Yeah."

Jay: "So, this instructor dude -- Ace -- that's his name. Can you fucking believe that? Ace! Anyway, Ace has us doing those wall sit things where you are in a sitting position and hold it against a wall until you can't take it anymore. But he won't let us stop."

Allison: "Hahaha."

Jay: "And I'm like, to myself, man I just came here to learn how to break dance, I'm not signing up for Iraq or anything!"

Danny: "Well, I mean, you gotta be in shape though. My boy, David Elsewhere, he works out a ton every day. That's partly why he's such a good dancer."

Jay: "Oh..."

Allison: "Yeah... wow. ...Cool."

Danny: "Perhaps you've seen his new iPod commercial? He's one of those dancing sillhouettes."

Allison: "We get it, Dan, you know the guy."

Jay: "We don't give a shit about David Elsewhere, okay?"


At 7:01 PM GMT-5, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is clear that you have far too much time on your hands. I understand that Mike and I are gone, leaving an enormous void in both your scoial life, and you soul but seriously, get a hobby. You could try basket weaving, I hear its good for your wrists, or macramay. I don't know what that is, or how to spell it, but I understand it to be a hobby.

At 9:42 PM GMT-5, Blogger MichaelMatters said...

i like you alot - anonymous

ps. a seijin CD costs $35 here.

At 9:16 AM GMT-5, Anonymous Anonymous said...

please do


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