You Know David Elsewhere?!
Everyone likes to bring up their celebrity connections whenever they can. It's gratifying to be linked in some way to a figure in the world that is so ... celebrated. For instance, I once hung out with some kids who were cousins with Milla Jovovich. I went to school where Chris Matthews went. I live with Joe Stak. It's these relationships that always come up when someone talks about a celebrity encounter.
What I think is cooler though, is being friends with a really minor celebrity; not that I am or anything. I bet this very thing happened to Eli Whitney, famous for inventing the cotton gin. I imagine the following conversation probably happened...
Tobias: "Oh dear, I wish 'twasn't so hard to separate the cotton seeds from the cotton fluffs."
Humphrey: "So I hear."
Jules: "Well, my good sirs, I happen to know a man with the solution to this predicament."
Tobias: "Who praytell do you speak of?"
Jules: "Perhaps you've heard the name of the great inventor, Eli Whitney. He is a dear friend of mine."
Humphrey: "Eli Whats-it-whos-ah?"
Jules: "That's right, Eli Whitney! My beloved compatriot!"
Tobias: "What is this man's business in the cotton industry?"
Jules: "He invented the cotton gin, of course! My friend... he invented the cotton-fucking-gin."
Tobias: "And what does an elixer of cotton have to do with this?"
Humphrey: "The cotton whats-it-a-gin-a-ma-call-it?"
Jules: "It effortlessly removes the seed from the cotton plant. A machine... that my dear friend invented."
Tobias: "You don't say and..."
Jules: "Yes. It was invented by my friend, whom I know on a personal level."
Tobias: "This will surely be harmful to my slave trade."
That conversation really happened. Now, let's take a look at the modern equivalent of Eli Whitney: David Elsewhere (YouTube him, you'll know who I'm talking about). The following conversation has most likely happened somewhere in America.
Jay: "Man, I'm trying to take break dancing lessons. That shit is hard man!"
Allison: "Haha. Like pop and lock and all that?"
Danny: "Heh, funny story. I actually know David Elsewhere."
Danny: "David Elsewhere, man. He's a friend of mine. ... Probably the best pop and locker in the world."
Allison: "Never heard of him."
Danny: "You know. The kid that does that robot dance in the orange sweater in videos all over the internet."
Jay & Allison: "Ohhhhhh."
Danny: "Yeah, I know him."
Jay: "You know David Elsewhere?"
Allison: "Haha, that's crazy. Weird."
Danny: "Yeah, we're friends."
Jay: "Cool. So, anyway, my dance instructor is like this real hardcore dude."
Allison: "Like really into it?"
Jay: "I feel like he was a drill instructor or something, y'know?"
Danny: "Yeah. You should take lessons from my friend David Elsewhere."
Jay: "Ha ha. I guess I should."
Allison: (hitting Jay on the shoulder) "Yeah I'm sure he'd be just as good."
Danny: "Ha. I doubt it. No one is as good as that guy. I keep telling him and he's all like, 'Aw, c'mon. No.' He's so modest."
Jay: "So, this instructor dude -- Ace -- that's his name. Can you fucking believe that? Ace! Anyway, Ace has us doing those wall sit things where you are in a sitting position and hold it against a wall until you can't take it anymore. But he won't let us stop."
Jay: "And I'm like, to myself, man I just came here to learn how to break dance, I'm not signing up for Iraq or anything!"
Danny: "Well, I mean, you gotta be in shape though. My boy, David Elsewhere, he works out a ton every day. That's partly why he's such a good dancer."
Allison: "Yeah... wow. ...Cool."
Danny: "Perhaps you've seen his new iPod commercial? He's one of those dancing sillhouettes."
Allison: "We get it, Dan, you know the guy."
Jay: "We don't give a shit about David Elsewhere, okay?"