Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Friday, June 30, 2006


Yo, these guys totally ripped me off. I posted about this months ago.

Friday, June 23, 2006

The Three Finger Salute

So my friend Jon, stumbled across one of the funniest forums ever. It involves discusssion amongst devout Republicans about the stickers on their cars. The forum is here, or just read the text below.

Posted on 07/03/2004 12:05:22 PM PDT by elder5

I just got back last week from driving across the country, I live in Washington State and drove to PA in see my wifes family and took I-80 and I-90 back home.

With my Bush/Cheney sticker from 2000 in my back window along with my W-04 sticker I got a aproviel rating of about 75% judging from the honks and thumbs ups from fellow drivers. Funny how I got the 1 finger salute from the folks with the Kerry stickers (1). My question to you is do you vent your hate and anger at fellow drivers on the road with a Kerry sticker or do you just shake you head and think "What would Dick Cheney say"? (2)

PS I got most of the finger salutes the more I got closer to Portland ,Oregon.

To: elder5

I made a trip two weeks ago from Las Vegas, up I15, and into Washington State. The reactions to my 'W 2004' sticker were positive until I got into the Seattle area where I got numerous one-finger salutes.

I also haven't seen as many Kerry stickers anywhere as I did there. You people have a real problem in the Puget Sound area.

posted on 07/03/2004 12:21:14 PM PDT by x1stcav (http://www.ronaldreaganmemorial.com/photo_gallery.asp)

To: elder5
"What would Dick Cheney say"?


Now that would be an excellent bumper sticker (3).

posted on 07/03/2004 9:06:04 PM PDT by PaleoConservative(Do not remove this tag under penalty of law.)

To: elder5

I think it is significant that you are getting the one finger salute from Kerry supporters for various reasons:
1. That's what he used toward a Viet Nam Vet at the Viet Nam Wall in D.C. on Memorial Day (what a role model for his followers)
2. That's the only salute most of them know, having not served in the military or have any use for it.
3. Kerry supporters, like their role model, resort to this type of behavior when confronted with things, ideas, concepts, etc that they cannot handle or concieve(like moral values, or seeing a happy, content and confident Bush supporter)(4)

posted on 07/03/2004 9:06:54 PM PDT by MSgt1989

To: elder5

The next time somebody gives you the one-finger salute, respond with the three finger salute. Eventually they will figure out that the gesture bears a strong resemblance to a "W"(5).

posted on 07/03/2004 10:17:36 PM PDT by Texas Eagle (If it wasn't for double-standards, Liberals would have no standards at all)

To: elder5

"My question to you is do you vent your hate and anger at fellow drivers on the road with a Kerry sticker or do you just shake you head and think "What would Dick Cheney say"?"

I've gotten some 1 finger salutes, I typically just smile and wave back.

Once in a while, I'll see a car with LLL stickers like "Impeach the Son of a Bush" or whatever, I get in front of them in my Wrangler and drive real slowfor about 15 seconds to make sure they see my GOP and B/C04 stickers.

I've never been outright rude. That's just wrong, it sets a bad example.

posted on 07/04/2004 11:44:33 AM PDT by adam_az (Call your State Republican Party office and VOLUNTEER!!!!)

To: elder5

" My question to you is do you vent your hate and anger at fellow drivers on the road with a Kerry sticker..."

Heck no. Too many nutjobs out there...(6)

posted on 07/04/2004 1:51:41 PM PDT by OpusatFR (I only see movies for the popcorn. I'd rather read the book.)

To: Paleo Conservative
Yup, it would.


posted on 07/08/2004 1:52:45 PM PDT by Fixit (Scary Redwords -- A Strangled America)

To: elder5

I was driving from Tacoma to Moses Lake and saw a car with a homemade sign in the back window that read "Regime change starts at home". As I passed him, I looked at him so he could see my GW 2004 hat. He looked surprised (8). He passed me later with no comment. He got off the highway at Ellensberg (figures, CWU student. A liberal haven in Gods country). But as he got off the highway he slowed down too fast, so I looked out the corner of my eye to see him saluting me liberal style. Poor boy couldn't do it without knowing he was safe. Typical liberal, peace...unless you disagree with me.

On the other hand, I drive to Seattle a few times a month and have never been saluted (I have a W sticker on 3 sides of my truck). I wear my GW shirts downtown and people say "nice shirt". I'm a little surprised by the reaction. This from people who voted for Patty Murry and Jim McDermott. They're also responsible for Maria Cant-do-well and Gary Grid-Locke.

Never try to understand the Left, just win baby.

posted on 07/14/2004 8:54:24 PM PDT by Drathaar (http://rightonpolitics.blogspot.com/)

To: Paleo Conservative

WWDCS, now thats funny! I would buy that sticker.

posted on 07/14/2004 8:55:38 PM PDT by Drathaar (http://rightonpolitics.blogspot.com/)

To: Fixit

Ok, I'm ordering. I'll stick Drathaar somewhere in the order so you know its me. This is too good. (9)

posted on 07/14/2004 8:59:12 PM PDT by Drathaar (http://rightonpolitics.blogspot.com/)

1. This is not actually funny.
2. He would probably say "Go fuck yourself". Remember this?
3. I agree.
4. Link
5. With a 65% success rate.
6. And history has proven that latte-loving Seattle socialite liberals are the ones that are truely dangerous.
7. I would have designed it differently. The brick wall speaks too loudly in the background. Perhaps a waving American flag would be better? Discuss.
8. Which is odd, because nothing is surprising about an old man staring at you while you're on the highway.
9. I agree.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

They Can Only Become Stairs

Dear man in front of me on the escalator,

Nice day today isn't it? Yeah, I heard it 's supposed to rain later though. Ever notice that it's been raining at 6 PM every day for the last month? Weird.

Well, let's just step onto the escalator. Going down, ding ding! Ha ha ha.

And so... wait, what's going on here. Um. Uh, sir... wait. Why are you no longer walking? Well yes, I did realize that we stepped onto an escalator. Yes, that's true sir... yes they do move on their own.

Okay, maybe I could just squeeze arou- no... alright. Sooo... what didja get? A lobster bib? Wow, sounds nice.

So... uh, are you gonna just scoot on down these steps? Well yeah, but they do move rather slow. I mean, ha ha, if they were just stairs you would be walking down them anyway. Yes, that's true, sir: they aren't stairs. No you're right.

To an extent. I mean they are stairs, if you want to get technical. Just moving stairs, you know?

[I'm putting my hands in my pockets with my thumbs sticking out, rocking back and forth at the waist and whistling]

Yep. Rain to-night.

Okay, honestly, you have to walk around the rest of the mall. It's not like there's a conveyer belt everywhere. I don't think the inventors of the escalator intended for people to stand still as the steps moved. Well that's true, sir -- I don't know who invented the escalator. What's that? Yes, they probably were French. Oh. Well, I wouldn't say that's true of all French citizens.

Welp... looks like we're approaching the bottom. Aaaand... yeah, there goes your foot. That's kinda the motion I was hoping you'd make the whole way down, actually. The eagle has landed. Alright, great. Great talking to ya.

-Bill Benz

Monday, June 12, 2006

Lingo For The FAD

Many of you may find yourselves in the category of being the Aggressive Asshole Driver -- or AAD. Many people, myself included, feel that moving at a comfortable speed is more important than obeying the lawful, posted speed limit. Usually you go over the speed limit because you are extremely impatient and want to be going at a faster velocity. You also have a problem with taking turns to fast.

However, there's a difference between an AAD and a FAD -- the Focused Aggressive Driver. To the FAD, there is a real mission being accomplished in "making great time". On highways, they are tactful yet meticulous. On town roads they are sly and resourceful. The following is a list of terms taken from the FAD textbook.

Line - A line is a path on a highway that allows you to overtake as many cars as possible in one swift motion. See image below...

Making Good Time - The goal of all FADs. If anyone asks why you "can't just enjoy the trip", a FAD will typically reply "I am", followed by a seductive smirk.

Polar Lanes - Polar lanes occur when too many AADs are on the road. The AADs begin to crowd the passing lanes, making them too congested to be effective. Therefore, the right lane actually moves faster than the left lane. Usually the AADs stay in the left lane because they think they're all hotshots who should be going faster than everyone else. The FAD will switch to the right lane with no problem.

Blinker Sharks - Typically AADs; these are the people that turn on their blinker and turn at the same time defeating the purpose of the blinker as a warning.

Yellow Alert Mode - While on the road alone you are more likely to be spotted speeding and recieve a ticket. Before all overpasses or other places where a police car may be hiding, reduce speed greatly. Keep in mind, nowadays many police cars will be on top of the overpass recording speed and then radio down to another car.

Orange Alert Mode - When flashing lights of any kind are visible far down the road behind you.

Red Alert Mode - When flashing police car lights are visible behind you, relatively close.

Twins - Perhaps one of the most aggrivating parts of highway driving. This is when two or more cars are driving directly next to each other at exactly the same speed, thus making the pass impossible. I swear I once saw a group of four across a four lane highway in the middle of Pennsylvania. Twins are aggrivating because it's as if they have no concept in their mind as to what the passing lane is actually for. See image below...

Staggered Twins
- This is pretty much the same thing as twins, except they are not directly next to each other, however it is still two cars driving the same speed in different lanes. If you're going to drive the same speed, just get into the other lane. They lack respect (see "respect" below).

Good Samaritan - These are the people that drive the exact speed limit in the passing lane just to fight against the global wave of speeding. Extremely smug and no different in personality than the AADs. Commonly referred to as PADs -- Passive Aggressive Drivers.

Respect - Respect is when you are seen quickly approaching behind another driver and they pull to the right-hand lane. They have respected your speed and want you to continue on such a trajectory. Oftentimes, as a FAD, you too will have to give other drivers respect and pull to the right. When a driver has been respected, as he passes them he/she is to wave, salute, or snap the pointer finger into the thumb and middle finger.

Wingman - A wingman is another FAD (rarely an AAD) that has found a navigatable line in front of you. A wingman doesn't count if you know the person; a wingman must simply appear during your travels. Generally it's a good idea to follow them in the interest of making good time. When your wingman departs it's appropriate to offer him a respectful salute or snap. Once I travelled with a wingman for about 80 miles, to offer my respect as he took an exit near Harrisburg, I opened the window and extended a two fingered peace sign.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

You Can't Hold 10 Pokemon

Maybe it's just that it's late, but I cracked the hell up watching this. Thanks Fry for sending it to me.