Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Open Letter

Today I saw something while riding my bike. It was a person that I really desperately wanted to talk to, but couldn't summon the will power. I was intimidated by this person, but at the same time, incredibly intruiged. What had put this person before me? What series of events led us to cross paths at that very moment? What I would give for a moment to maybe chat and grab a bite to eat with this person. I wish I had said stopped and said, "Hey, why don't you come to the beach with me. I'll walk my bike. Come along." The following is an open letter to this person.

Dear Naked Man Standing in the Street,
Where to begin; I feel like there is so much to talk about, even though I've only known you a short time. Know -- do I even know you? I wish I did. Well, now that you're reading this, hopefully you'll want to know me. Just don't show up at my house... naked and all. So, sir, why are you without clothing? Perhaps an F-14 Tomcat took off on this street and blew your wardrobe off (that would explain the dazed look on your face). Please, my new friend, I implore you to tell me why you are in the nude. Your pale white skin suggests a life hidden in your basement, but your weathered arms lead me to believe that you are a craftsman; a carpenter presumably. A crazy carpenter -- no doubt, as our place of meeting was a public street at just past noon on this beautiful New Jersey day. The heat is harsh today, be wary of your tender and newly-sunkissed genitals. Apply a tanning lotion where neccesary.

A woman is coming out now to call you in -- your wife? neighbor? state-liscened mentally challenged home care-taker? Whatever the case may be, she is cool and calm in this situation. You're a lucky man, whoever she is. She is there for you when you are wrinkled and naked in the outdoors. Her overall ease with the circumstances before us leads me to believe that the two of you have been in this same place several times before. Is she holding you back? Is she stopping you from achieving total freedom in the beautiful wilderness of this urban shore point? If so, run. Run as fast as you can. Get away from this street. There are many more streets ahead. Follow me. Don't be afraid. Never be afraid.


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

How Punk Rock Is This!?

So the other day, some friends and I were chillin' at the beach -- maxin' and relaxin' to be specific -- and all of the sudden some really punked out kids show up and throw down some towels and lay down. It was odd to me because punk rock has always been about having fun, but not in conventional ways. Punk rock is about bucking the system and doing it different just because it is different.

Yeah, punk rock is pretty stupid in a lot of ways -- at least as an ideology not a music.

So these orange mohawked pale rebels got me thinking about what specifically are the most un-punk things in the world. For your entertainment, here is the list below. Note: if you make it a point to only listen to 80s hardcore you can take this list seriously... for everyone else, it's a joke.

10. Progressive Rock

Any song that features a guitar solo longer than a Gorilla Biscuits album is pretty much dead to punk rock.

9. Sweaters
Being warm is technically not unpunk, but usually wearing anything woolen is. It's open for debate if the sweater has argyles.

8. Awards
The Sex Pistols denied any induction into the rock 'n roll hall of fame. And thus, so should any self respecting punk rock group deny any award.

7. Most punk bands

What is punk? In an interview, Social Distortion's Mike Ness said that when a punk band makes unpunk music, that's one of the most punk rock things they can do. As punk evolves and changes, what truely has it become? Is a band like The Locust punk rock? Who knows? But it's truly left to the punks to debate, and so, most punk bands are decried as actually not being punk.

6. Attention spans

There's a great NOFX song that lasts about 10 seconds and the lyrics are "I have a short attention span, that's how I listen to this song". What the hell was Green Day thinking when they wrote that 9-minute opus on their new album?!

5. Scholastic accolade

Doing well in school is absolutely not punk rock. Even though it's cool to not care about school work, punks have to forget what the popular kids are doing and fight the greater enemy: the man (the school system). Don't become a mindless drone! If you are a punk and haven't dropped out of high school, do it now!

4. Making money

Remember, if you're a punk you still think communism is better than capitalism.

3. The Republican Party

This doesn't need an explaination.

2. Pop-punk

One of the most despised things in the punk community. How could punk also be pop?! This has been a problem since punk first got popular ever since it came out.

1. Yachting
Just about the most yuppie thing that ever existed. And we all know that Punks:Yuppies::Very Punk: Very Unpunk. Solve that equation, son!