Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

New Cereals and the Surprise Poop

I know Mike is supposed to blog about cereal (well, really just one), but he's in Japan, so fuck him, I'll do it anyway. Plus I love me some cereal.

The two new ones in question here are


I tasted both of these cereals on the same day back in July. I'm writing about them now because I'm really craving one of them right now, but can't find it anywhere in the hood. And I don't have the funds to go to the burbs to buy some cereal (although I surely would).

Eggo cereal sucks. It's like a giant shitty ripoff of the mighty Waffle Crisp. Honestly, did they think they could make a better waffle-themed cereal than Waffle Crisp? The first worst part about Eggo Cereal is that it tastes like nothing. It has no taste that separates it from water. But the worst part is that it gets sooo soggy, sooo fast. Get this: it gets both soggier faster than Golden Grahams! I mean, with the right amount of milk you can still have an amazing bowl of Golden Grahams, but Eggo Cereal affords you no such option. You put milk on the Eggo clusters and suddenly it's absorbed and there are just a bunch of crammed and bloated cereal bits left. You can probably wring them out.

But, there's hope. Caramel Nut Clusters is the best new cereal to come along since Honey Bunches of Oats. It's just the right caramel to nut ratio. And don't get me started on the crunch... oh, that crunch! Don't get me wrong, it's definetly an aquired taste. It's kinda like the first time I listened to the album "Sung Tongs" by Animal Collective; I was interested, but also sorta baffled. I found myself returning again and again to the album and enjoying it more and more with each listen. Caramel Nut Clusters is like that. Intruiging at first, leading to one of the biggest payoffs in the modern cereal business.

Moving on to totally unrelated business...

Today I encountered the infamous "surprise poop". I was sitting at this very computer in the Temple University TECH Center, when suddenly a wild rumble filled my bowels! "What ho!" I exclaimed. It was the BMW of shit rumblings: zero to sixty in 5 seconds. I had no choice but to run to the nearest lavatory to delete this poopy from my booty.

It was a regular poop too, it just came on so fast! Also, readers should keep in mind that I am a bidaily shitter. There are a handful of people that do this, you know who you are, I'm just going public. I do not poop every day. In fact, almost on schedule, I poop every other day. And this is usually why my poops are so big and prone to toilet clog. There's simply something wrong in the wiring of my brain that doesn't tell me I have to shit until my intestines have reached max capacity. I eat a lot, probably more than the average person, so it can't be lack of nourishment. I'm just a bidaily-big-shitter and I'm out of the watercloset for the world to accept.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Not just white, but also nerdy.

Our boy, Jon Katz has been straight lampin' in L.A. the past month. While there, he was able to appear in Weird Al's new video. The song itself is a parody of the incredible "Ridin' Dirty" by Chamillionaire. Jon is in the AV Club in the yearbook section. Congrats on infiltrating the system!

A scene from "Dracula With AIDS"

Inspired by talking with fellow film media majors Chris and Sean...

Dracula With AIDS
a script for the stage

Curtain rises. The scene is a decrepid, cobweb-soaked house, lush with deep blues and grays. A lone figure -- DRACULA -- sits on a vintage paisley sofa. It is night, a spooky flash of lightning blinks in the distance through a window. The front door (stage left) opens as thunder tumbles in the distance. THE WOLFMAN comes in, taking off his coat and hat. Bats fly down and retrieve them, pulling them away [note: get special effects working on that].

WOLFMAN: Hey, what are you still doing awake?

DRACULA: (noticeably distant) ...Oh, hello.

WOLFMAN: Hey, Dracula. Guess what happened today?


WOLFMAN: I killed someone. Finally! I did it! I can't remember the last time I devoured the flesh from a man's limbs! God damn, it was so... so... GRATIFYING!

DRACULA: ...That's good.

WOLFMAN: (sitting down across from Dracula) What's wrong, Dracula?

DRACULA: Nothing. Nothing, I'm happy for you. (Feigns a weak smile)

WOLFMAN: Are you sure, you seem so... distant.

DRACULA: No. Nothing's wrong.

WOLFMAN: (leaning forward) You know it's so obvious when you're upset. Why don't you just tell me?

DRACULA: (recoiling) I'm fine. There's nothing wr-

WOLFMAN: Dammit, Dracula! I'm SO SICK of this!

DRACULA: (visibly hurt) I'm sor-

WOLFMAN: Every day I come back from a haunting you are miserable! I'm so sick of you being such a downer all the time. I mean when was the last time you and I went on a haunt... you know, together?

DRACULA: (still quiet) Well, I'm sick too.

WOLFMAN: (getting up) Whatever! I'm going up to my room, you can be a bitch down here.

DRACULA: (abruptly) I have AIDS, Wolfman.

Wolfman halts dead in his tracks, facing away from Dracula.

DRACULA: (to himself, quietly) I have AIDS.

WOLFMAN: (spinning around) I... I... oh my god.

DRACULA: I didn't want to tell you... to upset you.

WOLFMAN: (in disbelief) Wha-? Jesus, how?

DRACULA: Listen, it's okay. I'm going to handle this best I can. I... should have realized this would happen, you know? I mean, I took as many precautions as I could, but... fuck, I mean, I have to eat blood, right?

Wolfman is stunned. He sits back down, about to speak. Suddenly the rear wall collapses in a dramatic flash of dust and debris. Of course it's THE OOZE GOBLIN, the biggest troublemaker in the world of haunts and ghouls.

OOZE GOBLIN: (sliming on everything) Haha, what's up dicks?

WOLFMAN: Now is not the time, Ooze Goblin.

OOZE GOBLIN: (slimily slapping Wolfman on the back) Aw, cheer up you big pussy! I heard you killed someone today... fuckin' right on! That's what I'm talking about. (turns to Dracula) Hey, what are you doing awake? You know it's almost dawn. The zombies are starting to wake up.

DRACULA: (getting up, heading towards the door) I know. (a lone tear falls from his eyes)

OOZE GOBLIN: What the fuck, man. What the hell is going on?

WOLFMAN: Dracula, what are you doing?

DRACULA: The only thing left for me to do.

The pale orange and yellow hues of the rising sun begin to filter through the windows and open door. Smoke rises like steam from Dracula's cape as he slowly saunters out the door, offstage.


There is a large bang and a huge puff of smoke billows in through the door. Wolfman and Ooze Goblin are stunned, frozen in horror. Drop curtain.

Monday, September 11, 2006

An Open Letter: Part Three

Dear Alexander Hanson, Ikea Sales Dept.,

I'm writing in regards to one of your products that we have been experiencing problems with. It's in your coffee table series, specifically the 'EDEN model 3115 SOIL-BROWN LIVING ROOM Frn. 1212'. It's a small brown coffee table. The problem we encounter is not neccesarily how it breaks, but what your sales rep told us would be good for our "situation". I'm sure your complaints department knows my name by now and the name of one Stephen Urkle who is often over my house and, sadly, often breaking my coffee table that I so trustingly bought from your establishment. The specifics of the various breaks are not important; usually slipping and falling out of surprise. Granted, this is outside of your jurisdiction, as it is our own fault that we let this menace into our home. However, your sales represenative did tell us that the replacement would be able to withstand someone falling on it, but I'll be damned he did it again. And yes, he "did do that". So if you could possibly replace the coffee table in question, I would be delighted.

Thanks for your time,
Carl Winslow


Dear Alexander Hanson, Ikea Sales Dept.,

Hi, Alex, I wrote you a letter a couple of weeks ago in regard to the 'EDEN model 3115 SOIL-BROWN LIVING ROOM Frn. 1212' coffee table. Your letter was very nice and I'm pleased that you replaced the coffee table, but the problem is that you sent me an identical coffee table! Now I'm just a police officer in inner-city Chicago, I can't afford to keep buying the same coffee table again and again. Even as I check the packaging now I can clearly read 'EDEN model 3115 SOIL-BROWN LIVING ROOM Frn. 1212'! We've had the same coffee table in our house destroyed over and over again, and I'm honestly fed up. I need a change. Of course Stephen broke the new one you sent us, almost immediately. I've taken steps to obtain a restraining order, because I believe he has a bizarre sexual lust for my daughter and is stalking her. I really don't want him around her, but that's a seperate matter -- a family matter. Please, if you can, send us another, more durable coffee table.

Thanks again,
Carl Winslow

P.S. I believe in your return letter you meant to say all those good things about "Stephan Urkle", because the "Stephen" I know is a real bitch.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Big Dino-snore

Hi kids, I still don't have internet at mi casa, but I decided I would still find time to shamelssly plug my new endeavors. My solo EXB side project, Big Dinosaur, is up and running. I'm enjoying it much so far. This blog is kinda the official site of BD now, but I'll still just be writing stupid essays.

So that's all for now. Check it out, son!

Friday, September 08, 2006

No update long time

Well, shit.

I haven't updated this thing in awhile, but I still plan to, I just don't have internet right now at my home home, and then I moved into this new place that continues the not-having-ness of the internet. But stuff has been going on. Here's the scoop.

In EXB's absence, I decided to branch off a little and write solely electronic music. Since there's no rap, I get more room for experimenting... don't worry, it's still reallly lame. I'm in the process of setting up a myspace site for it, but since I don't have internet til the 15th (fingers crossed), I have to wait a little. It's called Big Dinosaur, see what's there for now.

In other news, our mutual friend Jon Katz of MCV fame, recently attended the filming of Weird Al's new music video. Keep an eye peeled.