Heads On Sticks & Ventriloquists

The prodigious writings of a tortured genius.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

New Layout

HOSAV has a new layout. Cool right? To make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a picture of Bob Vila.

The new layout reminds Bob of the rainforest.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Videogame Assault

Inspired by my list of videogame weaponry (below), I've decided to make another section about great attacks in videogame history. Since the videogame is essentially based around an attack of some sort, I figured this would be appropriate.

Spindash Attack from Sonic the Hedgehog

One of the most fundamental attacks in the world's history. Curl up into a ball and roll into enemies. Well, Sonic could do it really fast, but it still works at any speed. For further reference watch Hook.

Fatality from Mortal Kombat

This videogame is the reason for all school shootings. Also, 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina.

Jigglypuff's Song from Pokemon

Oh, Jigglypuff, you're so adorable. His main attack was to sing at his enemies and make them go to sleep. Upon further thought, Jigglypuff was probably a rapist. Despite common knowledge, Jigglypuff was not the gayest Pokemon. That title belonged to Gyrados, the hormonally imbalanced angry lesbian of the Poke-world.

Quick Dash from Ecco the Dolphin

With the most sudden of bursts, Ecco could ... uh... eat some fish. But seriously, after about 15 minutes Ecco got pretty lame. On a side note, as a little boy, one late night I walked into my kitchen to get some water and my dad was in the living room playing this game and was really enjoying it a lot. Disturbing.

Blanka's Electrocution in Street Fighter II

It ain't easy being green. Unless of course you can electrocute people that touch you. Then it is not only easy, but hilarious. Sure everyone thinks that Ryu and Ken's hadoken attack is cool, but seriously, Blanka would just eat those guys. Pictured above is Blanka eating an '88 Volvo.

Attacking Fellow Motorcyclists in Road Rash

Up until last year, when I saw a motorcyclist on the road, I'd roll down the window and strike them across the face with 10 pounds of loose steel chain. I thought it was something you were supposed to do in real life, but try telling that to the judge.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Videogame Arsenal

So, you're trying to gather the greatest weapons from all videogames throughout the course of videogaming; what do you choose? The following is an homage to the greatest weapons available via electronic gaming.

The BFG from Doom

Let's start this list off with a bang. The BFG, also known as the Big Fucking Gun, was the crown prize of those who got far enough in the Doom series. Ammunition for this beast was scarce, but it packed one hell of a wallop. No beast from the darkest bowels of hell could withstand a single green plasma blast from this beautiful machine. Although, you have to wonder how anyone would ever carry such a big fucking gun around. Also, it was essentially a big fucking square that looked like a big fucking folded up lawnchair.

The Blue Shell from Mario Kart 64

So, you're in versus mode and in last place. That son of a bitch is waaaay ahead in first place (let's assume his name is, I don't know, Jeffrey Victor Glowik). How do you exact your revenge on an enemy so far away? You're left in a state of total dispair. But wait, you've passed through the "?-Box" and your weapons square displays a cute little blue shell with little spikes protruding from it. Awww, isn't it precious? Wrong. This shell will fuck your day up, Mr. First Place. It is literally unstoppable, soaring from the very end of the race course all the way up your smarmy first place ass. Sure, the person that fired it may not win the race, but at least he ensured that the person that was once in first doesn't either.

Cow Launching from Earthworm Jim

Not much needs to be said about this one.

The Cerebral Bore in Turok 3: Shadow of Oblivion

You could always shoot someone. There's pistols, arrows, rocket launchers, flaming arrows, canons, crossbow arrows, railguns, a bunch of arrows shot from one bow at the same time, and so on. But, how do you show someone that you truely mean to kill the shit out of them. The cerebral bore answers such a question, when it fires a homing projectile that latches onto an enemy's head and then drills into their brain. Now, surely no one can survive this attack, as we see their cranial fluids spill all over the place, but -- just to be sure -- the cerebral bore bullet explodes after it drills inside the enemy's head. Sweet.

The Golden Gun from Goldeneye 64

One shot kill. I bet whoever shot 50 Cent wishes they had this one.

Hyper Megabuster from Mega Man 6

The greatest leap forward in Mega Man's mega-arm technology occurred in Megaman 6, with Dr. Light's modifications. The earlier Neo Megabuster and the Super Megabuster were admirable enhacements, but each of them had drawbacks (placed Mega Man's health at risk and had a noticable kickback). The Hyper Megabuster could unleash a furious blast of plasma energy that would leave enemies devastated and Mega Man smiling at the crispy contortions of their corpse. This would also come in handy later when Mega Man apppeared in Marvel vs. Capcom. He may be small, but he could kick ass. The only time I ever beat that game was when I teamed up Mega Man and Stryder. It happened in an arcade in Ocean City, New Jersey. I entered my initials as BIL. Is it still there? Does anyone even play Marvel vs. Capcom anymore?

I'm sure there are more weapons to mention, but whatever. These ones are swell.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Launch of Marmaduke Affiliated Blog

Jon Katz, my fellow Marmaduke obsessee and former writer for Kick the Leftist, has recently launched a blog that shows a different take on the "humor" in the long-running Marmaduke comic strip. He hypothesizes that "if instead of being written by Brad Anderson, whose only background in comedy lies in the fact that he, too, owns a Great Dane, [Marmaduke] was written by Doonesbury cartoonist Garry Trudeau, who has incorporated politics into his comic strip since 1970. In other words... what if Marmaduke went political??"

I am already forseeing a bright future for this blog, so make sure to keep checking in on it. So head on over to Marmaduke Can Vote and enjoy.

Here's a sample panel for the inquisitive or the too lazy to click a link:

Friday, February 17, 2006

Nietzsche was right!

I'm sure you are familiar with the facebook. If you are not, here is a simple analogy in SAT format:

Myspace : Become Raging Pedophile :: Facebook : Stalk People at Your School

For a substantial amount of time, my friend Peter posed as Jesus Christ on the facebook. While there are a million Jesus's on facebook (I counted), Pete's was different, heralding hundreds of friend requests and leaving his comments section as an open forum to ask Him any questions one might have about anything. Because, everyone wants to know what Jesus thinks.

However, out of all the Jesus's on the site, facebook must have decided that Pete's was too blasphemous or something, so they shut him down, forcing him to use his real name. However, in the name of preservation, I would like to copy the questions and answers that were insightful or I was particularly tickled by.

So, here are various questions to Jesus, answered by Pete Shadzik:

Q. Would you rather run at a full sprint into a brick wall, or drop two stories from a building and land on your knees?

A. I'd rather run at My top speed into a brick wall. Despite the fact that I am perfect, I am not much of a runner, due mainly to two gaping holes in My feet. - Son of Man

Q. Jesus-- can I call you Jesus?-- I've always wondered, and I hope this isn't too personal: what was the deal with you and Mary Magdalene? Just friends or something more?

A. I think Mary M. always kind of wanted a little bit of a more intense relationship, but I wasn't really into it. I mean, she was thinking long term, but I couldn't really be like "Hey, I'm going to die pretty soon and then I'll be God, so we can't do this." But even after I died she was pretty attached. I appeared before her when she went to My tomb, and she was getting really grabby, so I was all "Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father" (John 20:17). She pretty much bought that - she totally could have touched Me, I just wasn't in the mood. - The Christ

Q. Jesus, do you think that your father would condone the smoking of The Herb? It comes from the sacred earth, which you created. Many hippies everywhere are wondering this question.

A. By "The Herb" I assume you mean marijuana, though calling it "the" herb is degrading to the rest of the wonderful plant creations My Father has bestowed upon you. However, I basically condone everything that isn't either explicitly or inherently prohibited by the Bible. Thus, yes, marijuana is acceptable. As is cocaine, black tar heroin, and MDMA. The Lord does not condone LSD, mainly due to a previous bad trip. The Sixties were fucking crazy. -JofN

Q. Hey Jesus. How do I get rid of this awful dandruff?!

A. This isn't from personal experience, as I have been blessed with a Perfect Scalp, but I've heard that Head and Shoulders' new "Dry Scalp" formula is very efficient. And indeed, if that doesn't work, ask your barber or stylist. I recall a young Moses trekking across the desert to ask Me the same question, but it turned out his hairdresser knew the answer all the same! Moses was all about those treks. -JtotheofNazareth

Q. Jesus, why does working at Target suck so bad and why are my managers such dicks?

A. Working at Target is the sign of a low-class individual, or a student. You are a student, and thus it is acceptable. Your managers "suck so bad" (sic) due to a combination of frustrating childhoods and frustration with their status in society. -Jesus

Q. Jesus, what would you do for a Klondike bar?

A. Technically, I don't need to do anything, since I can conjure Klondike bars at will. There. I just did it. Now I kind of want chocolate milk. And...done. --J

Q. Hey Mr. of Nazareth, I slept with someone who wasn't my girlfriend, but I swear I was thinking of her the whole time. Does that still count as cheating?

A. First, Andre, you're going to Hell for the premarital sex thing in general. But is it cheating? What's more important is that you be better in bed than anyone else that your girlfriend knows so SHE won't cheat, and practicing on other girls is the best way to be sure. But hey, at least you're not My stepdad, Joseph. His wife was getting it from God, and you KNOW he can't compete with that. --Jesus "Dirty with only one R" Christ

Q. Hey Jeez, Just saw that the White House has put up their new Christmas tree. Any word on what the Bushes are getting each other this year?

A. Well Jon, as you know, My Birthday is a holy celebration, and the Bush's are a holy family. George is getting Scarface. --J. Christ

Q. Hey, how did you feel about the casting of James Caviezel in The Passion of the Christ?

A. Well Steve, you've actually struck a nerve with Me here. You see, Mel Gibson didn't just choose to have James Caviezel play Me - Mel and I had a conference where there was much deliberation. In the end it was between Jim and Macaulay Culkin, though the latter was kind of a joke between Mel and I gone awry. -Jesus of Nazareth

Q. Jesus, fountain of all knowledge, will you confirm once and for all that Cambridge is truly better than Oxford?

A. Patrick, God does not care about the United Kingdom anymore, sorry. --JC

Q. Tupac or Biggie?

A. If you're asking who was the better rapper, Tupac was more poetic, while Biggie had a superior flow. If you're asking who died first, Tupac. --Jesus Chrizzle

Q. Jesus, I need a man and so does my friend Rhonda (maybe even more than I do) what should we do? Oh, one more thing - can Justin Akien win the Power Ball?

A. Well, first off, I guess this depends on what kind of man you want. If you want a tough, rugged man, you should go to a downtrodden bar or truck stop. If you want an ambitious, independent man, you should attend some sort of gala. If you want a man who is tough, rugged, ambitious and independent...sorry baby, but I'm in Heaven. Also, not only will Justin not win the Powerball, but he will continue to lose lotteries for the rest of his life. If it makes him feel better, it's not as bad as...I don't know...getting crucified. --JTruth

Q. JSizz, what is your preferred way of smiting someone? And when you use the past tense, do you say "I smited you" or "I smote you"?

A. First of all, I usually use "smote." However, I've also used "owned" and "punk'd." Which method I prefer really depends on My mood, as well as cultural conditions. For example, on Super Bowl Sunday, I enjoyed throwing a football through the torso of a sinner. During the height of the Clinton presidency, I threw President Clinton through the torso of a sinner. So it varies. --J

Q. Dear Lord and Savior-- A popular website sent to me by a friend lists a "fact" about 'Walker, Texas Ranger' star Chuck Norris that states "Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but when Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. That's why we celebrate Christmas." Your thoughts?

A. Dear All, Facebook has changed my name from Jesus Christ to my actual name, and thus Jesus Christ as I am known can no longer exist on the Facebook. Why my parody profile was singled out among the many I shall never know, but what I do know is that The Christ is dead. Also, it might be the responsibility of Olayemi Oladapo, who has posted on my wall. She is the only person who would have reported me, due mainly to her being entirely humorless. --Jesus no more.
PS - I'd love to answer your inquiry, Andrew, but I am no longer God.

And so it ends. It was a good run. And may this post serve as a testament to what was once great.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

"But literally, there are none more black."


No, not the resource. The music.

Just like rap and emo, people's perception of metal is completely destroyed by stereotypes, misleading mainstream groups, and an ugly past of fame. Metal, as a genre, is capable of much more than simply chugging its way out of speakers on some stoner's vintage car. When people talk about metal, people usually come to one of three possible reference points.

1.) 1980s era glam-metal that cared more about image and excess than actual music.

2.) Sludgy, beefy drop-d metalheads, cheifly inspired by 1970s classic rock.

3.) 1990s era industrial metal revivalists, popularizing the term numetal.

Examples #1 and #3 are examples of the music industry latching onto a niche and exploiting it for all it's worth. There are certainly good bands that came out of the glam-metal phase (Guns 'N Roses) and good bands that were born in the numetal era (Deftones, Rage Against The Machine). But overall, both genres are generic exaggerations of what metal is supposed to be (is anyone familiar with Twisted Sister or Limp Bizkit?).

Example #2 is probably the most respectable of the three, but is oft the most misunderstood of the three. Their fanbase is just a bunch of dudes in their 30s wearing flannel shirts with long hair. That sludgy, beefy sound, however is the groundwork that all metal is laid upon. Metal was arguably invented around the time of Black Sabbath, and has proven to be one of the most enduring subgenres of rock & roll (punk rock has endured with more strength through its pop components and adaptablility).

Metal is more about an epic sound than anything. Metal is bigger than rock, which is why many people cite it as sounding too melodramatic. By nature, metal must be over the top, because it is a genre based on swelling, loud sounds. From the crushing tech-metal of Dillinger Escape Plan and Between The Buried & Me, to the expansive drones of Isis, Pelican, and Mastadon, metal is a genre based on a struggle of proportions larger than the topics of most modern pop songs.

This is why metal -- and I mean metal -- has never truly broken through onto the pop charts without sacrificing its core values. It doesn't have to deal with satanism and evil - in fact, the best metal never touches on such arcane topics. The best metal is of personal struggle, whether it be from the point of view of an outcast, the oppressed, or the forgotten. This idea has been neglected so often as to make it an ugly stereotype; that the guy in the metal band is a depressed psychomaniac that drinks blood. It's just a point of view, presenting itself in an epic, sonic form.

For further reference points, here are some sites streaming the music of modern metal bands:
Dillinger Escape Plan
Between the Buried & Me


Sunday, February 12, 2006

This Is Not About Michelle Kwan

I am not going to do a blog about Michelle Kwan. Some people are like "this is totally going to be your next blog". Well, forget you guys. This is my blog, I'll do whatever the hell I want. It's not my fault this is the most brilliant writing since Vonnegut.

P.S. You guys are jerks.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Unholy Battle

The question is as old as time itself; the first time the hulking, furry, wood-walker emerged on the face of the earth to live in the same timespan as the ancient beast of the seas. Who would win in a fight -- a bear or a shark?

And where would the battle be staged? The reason these animals have never met in the field of combat is because each is the king of his own territory and whenever one of them wanders into the other's territory, it is doomed. If a bear were to ever find itself adrift in the south Pacific, it surely would be destroyed. If a shark were to fall ashore the Alaskan peninsula, it surely would be eradicated. So the trick really ends up being in the staging of the battle. New technology must be invented so that each animal recieves all of the benefits of their home court, because the away team always loses in this circumstance. I suggest a gelatin-like substance that the bear can move through as if it were air and that the shark could move through as if it were water. The bear would always be grounded and the shark would essentially be able to "fly". The turf of the arena would be rocks and sandy dirt, because it could similtaneously represent the bear's natural habitat and the ocean floor. However, the ground would have to suit the bear's tastes, as the shark is entirely unaffected by the ground.

So, specifically which shark and which bear do we choose for this experiment? It seems obvious to choose the most beastly beast from each species, so my vote goes to Ursus arctos horribilis middendorfi for the bear and Carcharodon carcharias for the shark. At this point, I feel a little more background on each animal is needed.

Carcharodon carcharias: The Great White Shark

The Great White Shark is more than an animal, it's a monster. While the phrase "blood-thirsty" has been applied to all sorts of wretch throughout history, few take it so literally as the great white shark. This animal is actually thirsty for blood. Only the sweet taste of copper death running between several rows of serrated teeth can quench the immense palate of this barbarian from hell. Keep in mind that there is no other shark that is simply known as the "white shark"; this animal needed further classification for its overall grandeur, so man tagged "great" to the beginning of its name. Also keep in mind, that Great White is the name of one of the few bands on earth that killed their own fans. A vicious beast indeed.

Unlike other animals (aside from polar bears), great white sharks can feel the magnetic field of the earth. This ability grants them a sixth sense that detects the electromagnetic movement of animals through the water. Great whites are apex predators, meaning that no other creature on earth is so bold as to hunt one.

Their greatest sense, however, is their eyesight. But, sharks usually attack from below, so this would pose a problem in the battle, as the bear would always be below the shark. The great white would most likely have to be female, as they grow up to 1-2 meters larger than the males. The largest great white ever measured was 21 feet long. Typically great white sharks are 4-5 meters long, but larger ones are commonly known to grow up to 18 feet. Your average great white shark will weigh around 1.75 tons.

Cunning and speed are clear advantages to the great white, but its mouth is its primary - nay only - tactile organ. In a single bite, a shark of this stature will rip away thirty pounds of flesh. The teeth are designed to cleanly pull skin into the mouth. When it comes to hunting, the great white, like most sharks, is absolutely ferocious, coupled with a ruthless instinct, culminating in one of the world's most finely tuned killing machines.

Ursus arctos horribilis, middendorfi: American Brown Bear, Grizzly species, Kodiak sub-species

The Kodiak bear is the largest bear species on earth. It is a graceful beast, often underestimated in this specific battle due to its docile appearance. Make no qualms about it, a bear will kill you, however furry and friendly it looks. The end of its scientific name isn't "horribilis" for no reason. Where the shark has the streamlined ruthlessness, the bear has a majestic savagery. From biddable lumber to skull-crushing fury, the Kodiak will snap when it means business. And I don't just mean snap into a psychotic fury, but it will also snap every bone in your body with a calmness that is more eerie than it is disciplined. Oh, and I was addressing bison in that last paragraph -- not men -- you know, because a bear can decimate a bison's spine in a single swipe. You did know that, right?

While standing on it's hind legs, a Kodiak measures 10 feet from the ground up. The larger males can reach standing heights of 13 feet. Typically, they will weigh around 1,500 pounds. Being omnivores, bears rely both on vegetable matter and meat. Particularly interesting is that bears -- like sharks -- are apex predators. The bear's best sense is its ability to smell. This trait will have little to no effect in this battle, though, because the bear will not be hunting the shark.

While the bear's jaws are very useful in hunting and catching prey in the wild, I doubt that it would be able to get a good grasp of a large great white shark. The true power of the bear lies in its massive forearms and extremely durable claws. A bear can literally decapitate a man in a single swipe, and crush most other things. Speed will be of great advantage for the bear as well. Despite their size, Kodiak bears can run at speeds of 35 mph, and have incredible stamina, allowing them to maintain that speed for extended periods of time.

Bears can also climb trees, but that won't really matter for this fight.

Comparative Statistics


Bear: 35 miles per hour sprinting
Shark: 25 miles per hour cruising, capable of 35 mile per hour bursts

Bear: Forty-three teeth (reaching 2 inches in length) designed for puncturing flesh. Primarily will use arms (each roughly measuring 5 feet), each equipped with five 4+ inch claws. The arms are designed to batter/kill opponent and crush bones/organs.
Shark: Three thousand seperate serrated teeth (reaching 2.5 inches in length) positioned in three rows and under the gums for easy replacement. The teeth and jaws are designed to tear flesh from the opponent.

Opposition in their own territory:
Bear: Only true threat is hunters/poachers. In a fictional setting, could arguably disable a silverback gorilla, crocodile, lion, or other land predator (all of which could constitute further debate). Additional note -- in Asia, brown bears have been known to hunt and kill tigers.
Shark: Typically avoided by humans due to aura surrounding its ferocity, primarily implemented by the film Jaws. In a fictional setting, could arguably disable any other shark, dolphin, fish, or whale (given enough time, on the last one). Giant squid will not be considered in a fictional battle, because nothing is known about them besides what stoned college students make up.

Man (from head to feet)...: ------ approx 6 feet
Bear (from head to feet)...: ------------ approx 12 feet
Shark (from fin to snout)..: ------------------ approx 18 feet

Bear: 1,500 pounds
Shark: 1.75 tons
I don't know the conversion at all. You figure it out. The shark is heavier, I would say.

The Battle

And we finally arrive at the point of combat. Why is this fight taking place? I suppose the answer would be to prove who is the ruler of all the animal kingdom. Some say that the lion holds that position, but c'mon, either a bear or a shark would kill the shit out of a lion.

I'm not going to state which animal I think would win this fight. I chose not to reveal my position out of respect for the views of the reader and out of respect for each animal. I consider both bears and sharks to be the rulers of their realms, and regard each animal as a dazzling example of glowing brilliance. Some people know my opinion and disagree (Paul/most of my friends), but that is not what is important here.

...Well it
is what's important, but whatever.

The shark has the benefit of being guaranteed that it can stay permanently out of reach of the bear. And I feel that, in order to win, the shark is going to have to rely on its long game. The risk of staying close and grappling with the bear would be too risky, so the shark would have to stay high, swing around the back and dive into the bear. If the shark was able to maneuver around behind the bear and charge with a 35 mph dash, it would most likely be able to knock the bear over. The shark's primary objective should be to get the bear onto its stomach. An exposed stomach would be a deadly -- and delicious -- striking point. If the shark can land an entire mouthful, it would spell
game over for the bear.

So the eventual goal of the shark would be to land a healthy bite. Well, not healthy for the bear. So... land a lethal bite. Let me break it down:
1. Exploit exposed regions of the bear.
2. Bite.
3. Swallow or spit out onto dead bear as a sign of disrespect.

The shark doesn't neccesarily need to knock the bear over. Suppose the shark can't get the bear to tumble onto its back -- the bear is the faster animal, after all. While it might seem logical for the shark to attack one of the bear's arms, it would be too risky. If it locked onto one arm, the bear would swipe with its other paw, potentially killing the shark or brutally damaging it. Sharks don't have bones, rather the substantially weaker cartilage. A bear would have no problem snapping the shark's neck as it latched onto an arm. If it was the shark's goal to disable the bear's arms, she would have to strike from behind into the shoulder blades, where the bear would have trouble reaching. However, this would not kill the bear, only hurt it.

Bears have incredible stamina, learned from constant grappling with other males. The shark needs a quick kill, not a prolonged battle. If the shark were to attack the bear in the side, from the armpit to the thigh, the results would potentially be lethal. The bear would surely die if a shark removed thirty pounds of flesh from its side.

The bear has several advantages, stamina being one of the most vital. During mating season, like most animals, bears engage in sparring bouts with other bears. Keep in mind that a bear swipe is able to kill an ox and behead a human, and these animals are throwing the same amount of force at each other. A concussive blow to a bear would take an incredible amount of force. The bear will rely on its powerful arms and girth as both defense and offense. A well placed wallop to the nose would disorient the shark, creating an opening for a major offensive maneuver on the bear's part.

Where the shark must rely on its long game, the bear must rely on its short game. A single swipe to the face or gills of the shark would critically wound it or destroy a section of protective cartilage. For the bear to succeed, he would have to enter a standing position as the shark maneuvered towards him from the distance. As the shark charges in, the bear could swat to repel the attack or collapse its weight in a grappling position onto the shark. The "bear hug" wrestling move was derived from this style of attack. The bear grapples the opponent, pushing them into the ground. By doing this, the bear can use the force of the ground as a trestle on which he will beat his opponent into submission. The shark's skin was not made to withstand oppressive bombinations, so a single firm movement would tear the shark open.

The bear's primary plan of attack:
1. Allow shark to charge
2. Swipe shark in the face (a strike to the eye would
severely limit the shark's abilities. Great whites with hampered eyesight do not last very long in the wild. Furthermore, a shark's snout is highly sensitive)
3. Grapple onto shark
4. Beat shark into the earth
5. Walk away with general indifference to the events that just occurred

Both animals have a fairly open means of retreat if the battle becomes too intense to handle and they need time to recuperate. The bear is faster than the shark and has enough stamina to run away at top speed for a considerable time. The shark has the ability to retreat to the skies, out of the reach of the bear. The shark, obviously, has the benefit in this scenario, in that it can remain indefinetly at a distance from the bear; whereas the bear must constantly run to stay away from the shark.

If either animal decides to retreat during the course of the battle, the final outcome may take some time to reach. If both animals stay in the heat of battle the entire time, I doubt the fight would last more than 10 minutes. Both beasts are highly ferocious, so there would be no dilly-dallying or pussy-footing.

I feel that I've exhausted the idea at this point, so I'll leave the final decision up to you. You've heard the facts, you've heard my arguments. The great thing about this fight is that no matter which side you pick, we can all agree that this battle would be of biblical scale. Both bears and sharks are equally deserving of our awe and respect. This is because they would kill us if we thought otherwise.

The bottom line is in your hands. Well not really. You aren't a scientist or expert in this field. You're a philistine. Cast your vote here, anyway: